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An Open Letter to the Husband with a Spouse in Chronic Pain

An open letter to the husband with the spouse in chronic pain

An Open Letter to the Husband With a Spouse In Chronic Pain

The last thing she wants to hear is “What’s wrong with you?!”

Gentlemen,

You come home from work and find your wife crying, quiet or stressed. For a woman who is usually happy all the time, this might warrant a caring question, but, if she suffers from depression or ongoing pain, a “What’s wrong with you?” probably will not be welcomed in this instance.’


You need to know that a woman, especially one struggling with depression or going through PMS, do not always know why she is sad or just wants to cry. She just wants to. No rhyme or reason. Women are wired differently than men so many men may have a hard time understanding this concept.
Asking a woman what is wrong in a tone that implies she has no reason to be sad and teary will NOT go over well with her.

If she suffers from chronic pain, that agony will cause her to tire very quickly. Working outside the home or even at the home will exhaust her when she is working under continual discomfort, often causing her to be quiet and withdrawn. She isn’t angry. Just worn out…. depleted. Exhaustion often begets emotional distress.

So what’s a man to do?


The tired or pained woman would simply appreciate empathy. Empathy?!! What’s that?
Empathy: the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.

This is different from sympathy where you feel sorry for someone but not necessarily understand their feelings. A lot of times you empathize with someone because you have experienced a similar instance.

Your loved one does NOT want you to fix her problems. She doesn’t even always want to tell you what is wrong because often she doesn’t understand it herself or is just too tired to care.
So what DOES a woman want?

For one, it often depends upon the woman.
A gift of flowers – just because.
Her favorite chocolate… or dessert.
If she is introverted she will often appreciate a caring embrace.
To be told that you love her
A massage. If you can’t give her one that lasts at least fifteen minutes, offering to pay for one elsewhere would be appreciated.
A day at the spa for pampering
A quiet walk, holding hands.
Pray for her…. WITH her
A light touch on the arm or shoulder as you pass by
Aromatherapy: Burning candles or something with a calming scent. Oils or flowers. Preferred scents: lemon, lavender, rosemary, jasmine, cinnamon or peppermint
Helping out with supper or with the kids so that she can get some rest.
Sometimes all she wants is quiet time….ALONE.

Normally a woman does not like to feel depressed or in constant pain. Making her feel bad for feeling this way will not help her feel better about herself. A lot of times illnesses like fibromyalgia or arthritis will feel like you have the body aches of flu, but constantly. They don’t mean to be grumpy but the constant pain is draining.

This is your chance to exercise the first part of your vow, “in sickness and in health.” Your wife needs a friend who understands and won’t criticize. Be that person for her.
She wants to know that you care about her.
Thanks for your understanding and support!
Denise

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